bleeding out

 my strength is fleeing.
this is a bad evening.
sue has a migraine and i feel as though i’m entitled to escape into the insanity of my little cosmos.
thats how i feel and i havent acted up
but the night is young
a little seed of the bright lights
we’ll seeeeeeeee

and i have ceased fighting

anything and anyone.
today
anyway
i just let the world do its thing
what a relief..
i went and got angry for a while
and that is not a fit spiritual condition
not for me

fear of the mud people

 I shed a few tears watching the convention tonight.
 Hope truly springs eternal. A year ago I would have been optimistic, but we live and we learn. I hear the conversations at work. Teamsters. Fat truckers whose bread and butter has come down the pipe along Democratic fortunes.
  For some reason these old fat bastards have slowly become Republicans.
 Even in California, which Obama will no doubt carry, Teamster Republicans hold court in the break room.
  “I don’t think you can trust him.”
   The great fear of the mud people will rear it’s ugly head and flush John Mccain into the White House. It’s nothing more complicated than that. A dark, scary face will provide nightmares across America.
  The Grandpa party will reign.
  I’ve seen too much of human behaviour.
  I will not care (much).

angry man

angry man not happy man
angry man is right right righteous
angry man spins away
happy man ok ok ok
ok

i’m 53 years old

 and when i look at jagged rocks i see female genitalia
 the rocks on mount rubidoux
 the rocks along the road they’ve been blasted by dynamite
 and at the point of the blast
 BUTTHOLES but they spread out into
 pussy lips clits foldy woldy worlds of cracks and overlaps
 and i’ve been looking at them for several decades
 i discovered the rocky site under the influence of lsd
 and so much of what i found up there
  up there
              stays up there
 i want my ashes scattered amongst the juvenile
 fantasy and the place i walked for sobriety
 and the place i relapsed
 and the place i started getting it back
 i was up there tonight
 stopping short of the summit just short of the summit
 to avoid summit lurkers the scourge meth has given energy
 to squirming toad brains bad brains negative johnson
 the lights are so twink
 and every dark little shadow is a fucking skunk
 they dont flee the little fuckers face you down
 i was up there tonight

another grim journey into joy

and it didnt take long. when i am (relatively) substance free i get joyful.
it pisses people off.
i say relatively, because of the lexapro. that is my next substance project.
there are so many joyful things screaming thru this brain.
i should address fear.
i had so much fear this morning (about going to work with no VICODIN!)
the fear crept up my back, thru my neck and into my shoulders
(where the bursitis lives) just like anger does.
i almost packed a just in case vicodin, but i would have taken it.
i can truly say my prayer once more. maybe i’ll type it at another time.
a coworker with less seniority bellowed at me right before i left work.
i’m working on letting it go.
no keeping score.
no veng    ance.
ps..i rode the mountain last night armed with nothing but a huge ego.
the helicopter is hovering over the mountain right now and i have decided to ride in the morning.
  “I need alcohol, or I need sobriety.” anonymous

the world is turning

 and i know from experience its not a coincidence
its me thats changing and its exciting to know where i’m going
the grandson is no baby anymore
he tells me when i’ve missed a turn
“hey, when granny dies i’ll give ya the job!”
 two weeks no drink
two days no pills
i like whats happening to me and its happening without the drudgery of meetings and i know i’m gonna check in from time to time but this time around i wont be driven to drink by the dark shadows that lurk in those blessed rooms
my thighs are turning to mush and i hope to ride up the mt tonight

Starbucks parking lot rage

   There was only one parking space left at Starbucks.
   I was in the parking lot first, but the bastard in the Beater beat me to the spot………..and granted……..parking at Starbucks is always competetive.     Even once you’re parked the race is on to the counter. One must order before some Butt-wad orders. 
   I walked up to the driver’s side of the car in my rightful space.  I slugged him…right in the Bluetooth, and I felt it give way into the ear.  I grabbed him by the shirt and hauled him through the window and onto the ground.
   He hit the pavement with a thud, and his phone flew out of his pocket. He reached for it and I stomped on his hand. He screamed at the same time that his cell-phone rang. It was an odd harmony and I stopped beating him to listen for a moment.
   “Yeah?” the bastard answered his phone.  Unbelievable.
    I kicked him in the ribs.
   ”Ah, shit.  I’m getting my ass kicked at Starbucks.”
    I still didn’t have a parking spot.  I headed for the drive thru.

that grim journey into joy

has not been bad. saw dark knight. stayed away from pain pills. thought about the
                                         god
                                       octopus
the tentacles that give and take
and those that sustain  
and realized i hadnt thought
of the                                god
                                       octopus
the octopus god in a while
i need some nature

maybe be today

 a window appears. maybe i’ll get through it. i need it all all my brain all my spirit all the clockwork that was created as this machine. i will put off taking this vicodin i will put it off and put it off and state it here and return to self esteem return to what i want return to where i want.
         i want to be what i was
         i know how to be
         what i was what i
                 LOVE